I've been trying to write this post for awhile now. It's been sitting in my box for a few weeks. I keep coming back to it, adding to it, taking stuff away, and I can't ever get it just right. This is a subject that weighs on my mind often, and I am sure that if I feel this way, there are others out there that feel the same. It's not my usual post, it's a bit wordy, but I hope you read it all the way through.
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Growing up, I never thought that this would be my life. Sure, I knew I wanted children, but the possibility of living this actual existence, never occurred to me. Who knew that I would be brought into the world of military life (for it is definitely a world unto it's own). Who knew that I would one day be living a thousand miles away from my beloved home town and the beloved people within. Who knew that one day my children would be growing up without the daily guidance of their grandparents/uncles/aunts/and cousins, and others who would provide love to them unconditionally.
Although I find myself loved and happy and in constant communication with those that make me feel so, there are days when I wake up and the loneliness is overwhelming. How wonderful would it be to have the option of calling my sister up on the phone to go out shopping with me, or the opportunity to drop the kids off at Mimi's house so I could have an actual date with my husband (I can't remember the last one we went on).
Don't get me wrong, I have met some amazing people on this journey, people I would have never met had it not been for my husbands chosen occupation. This life so far has been an exciting adventure.....but it has been a stressful one as well. What people don't tell you as you enter this military life is that you have the opportunity to meet all kinds of incredible people, people you wouldn't ever meet otherwise. But with that comes the never ending cycle of saying goodbye to all of those people. With the goodbyes comes the need to constantly construct new support systems, because you never know when a part of your world won't be there anymore. I find that I distance myself from others and rarely does the real me come out, not because I am rude or unkind, but because to truly let yourself open up and connect with others is exhausting, and frankly, with three kids, I have a lot of other things to worry about.
I truly believe that the connections you find with other humans is what brings happiness in life. It is rare, however, to find that immediate connection with a person. In most cases relationships take work and effort, feeling and emotion. In the military the reality is that by putting yourself out there and working so hard to maintain something real you leave yourself open and vulnerable to the inevitable. More often than not your efforts ultimately result in disappointment and frustration because these people that you work so hard to bring into your "world", will eventually be leaving it to reside on the other side of the world......I just can't keep up. My heart can't keep up. Sure we are blessed to have technology available to us that allows us to maintain a connection over the computer, but how artificial is that. I wish I could just take all of the people that have every touched my soul, and just physically carry them around with me as I travel through this life. I know that this is just part of the life that we have chosen to live, and truthfully it could be worse, but I miss too many people to even count and I feel that with each person that leaves my life, a little piece of my heart goes missing.
I know that even if we ever settled in one place, people would still come and go out of my life, it's just part of living. It just feels that, that part of life is incredibly concentrated in the military and it's hard to keep up with it sometimes. In order to maintain my sanity I think that I need to think of my experiences so far as having led me to be in possession of a big heart in which, instead of pieces missing there are countless additions created by these fantastic people that I have had the privilege of crossing paths with.
I am incredibly grateful to those individuals and to the experiences that we have shared, and I know new adventures await just around the corner.
Who knew this would be my life.......
Yes. Exactly how I feel! Those few and far between people are so worth it, but the emptiness and loss we feel when they leave is SO hard. It's devastating. I have a difficult time opening up to new people because I'm sick of trying and finding out they're not what I need in a friend and starting all over :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Kelly. This is such a different way of life, and for those of us that have a harder time making instant connections with other people, or letting people in, it can be such an emotional strain. I like how you said to think of it not as missing pieces of your heart, but as additions. A person here might not fufill everything like the people back home do, but this life allows us to meet many different people and take what we can from those relationships. Very well said, I have a hard time putting those feelings into words so thank you for doing it :) Can't wait to see you!
ReplyDeleteThat was so well put; it could have been coming out of most military wives mouths. I love you Kel and you truly do have one of the biggest and best hearts there is! I can't wait to be so much closer! Beach dates here we come!
ReplyDeleteAw, I just found this and want to give you a big hug. I feel this way, too. Scotts contract is coming to an end and this time we aren't sure it will be extended, which means we would have to move (to another Lockheed, which ironically means near some airforce base somewhere) and these things all fly through my head constantly. Building, and saying goodbye. It takes a few years to feel like you really know somebody, and its a lot of effort. Then someone leaves. And the valley was a lot of families who had stayed there for generations, so it kind of gave me this unspoken promise that I would find a forever home and stay there until my grandkids came along. Who knows? Sometimes I am glad I don't know the end of my story yet, but sometimes its like flying without a net...
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